A Quest of any kind is a heroic journey. It is a rite of passage that carries you to an inner place of silence and majesty and encourages you to live life more courageously and genuinely.
- Denise Linn
There are three existential questions all of us have asked or will ask at some point in our lives:
1) Who am I?
2) Where did I come from?
3) What is the meaning and purpose of my life?
These questions are extraordinarily complex and intricate, as they are unique to the individual person and are exceedingly difficult to answer by one’s self. The reason these questions are more challenging to answer is because we cannot answer them by mere thought alone.
Also, we cannot have anyone else answer these questions for us; for it will be THEIR definition of who we are, not our own.
So, how DO we discover the answers to these existential questions we all so desperately want to know?
To genuinely KNOW in the heart-of-hearts our answers to these questions in the most authentic and truthful sense requires us to EXPERIENCE the answers for ourselves; for experiencing a truth casts out all shadows of doubt.
For ages, different cultures all around the world have offered rites of passages for male members of their society. These ceremonies or rituals of passage occurred when a male member is in that transformational stage (adolescents) where he is ready to transition from being a mere “boy” (child) into becoming a man (adult), and an integral member of the society. These rituals were often guided by older, wiser male members of the tribe such as a chief, shaman, or warrior class who too when through similar trials and tribulations of the passage ritual.
Regardless of the culture, all rites of passage incorporate three important stages:
Separation Stage
This is the initial preparation stage where the boy is separated from other members of the tribe, often from his mother or other (often female) caretakers of children. The ritual symbolizes a boy’s detachment from the nurturing, protective care of his mother, while also symbolizing the “cutting away” of his former, child self.
There are approximately 15 million children living with a single (solo) mother [1], leaving a significant portion of boys never having the opportunity to separate from the presence and authority of their mother, nor have the support and guidance of elder men to teach them how to become a honorable man. As a result, these boys often develop severe social difficulties with their mothers (which translates to other women later in life), as they genuinely desire this separation from the feminine and initiation into the masculine world of men.
Transitional (Liminal) Stage
Once separated, the child enters into a transitional space between two worlds – the childhood world he has always known and an uncertain, unknown world he has never experienced. In this stage, the boy will often experience a variety of arduous challenges that will test his courage, intellect, prowess, and willingness in unimaginable ways.
In modern society, many men struggle with this stage the most, as often they lack the physical spaces necessary to push their limits, fully experience themselves, and receive guidance and encouragement from older men. Presently, there are three authentic arenas I’m aware of that provide men the experience, and the intrapsychic and interpersonal challenges presented during the liminal stage: competitive sports, the military, and gangs.
And many men elect to trade the physical arena in for a virtual one through the world of video games, as video games provide a simulated, but safe space for testing oneself in the liminal stage. But of course, video games can never replicate the bona fide experience of a REAL rite of passage and real-world experiences, and therefore these men will continue retreating into the safe world of video games and avoid engaging the challenges and dangers of the real world.
Incorporation Stage
Having completed the rite, the boy assumes a “new” identity, re-entering society with a new status earned through his accomplishments. This stage is often characterized by elaborate rituals and ceremonies to celebrate his success and his incorporation into a different role with a more meaningful purpose within the society. They too gain a sense of respect and honor from other men in the society as they are incorporated into a cultural brotherhood with them.
I have spoken to many men who feel a lack of belonging and attachment to their communities. They come to believe they have nothing meaningful to offer their communities and feel they have no constructive role in society. Simply put, they feel excluded from the world, and in response to societal rejection, retreat to the safe world of video games or become trapped in the dark world of addiction, engaging in ritualistic substance use with a group of peers whom provide them a sense of belonging and significance.
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How can a man truly know who he is and what he is capable of if he doesn’t have the space necessary for him to fully experience himself in a raw, authentic way? How can he conquer his fears if he’s never given the means and arena to face them? How will he learn how to face the dangers and uncertainty of life, overcome failure and setbacks, and become a responsible, productive adult if he is never given the space and guidance all boys need from wiser, elder men?
Rites of passage are vital to the growth and development of boys and men, as they provide an unforgettable experience where he can genuinely test himself, push his limitations, and KNOW who he is as a man; instilling an unshakeable confidence in his ability to handle life’s challenges no matter what they are.
If we want to help our boys develop into courageous, responsible, and authentic men our society needs, we have to provide them with the experience – the rite of passage – to help them through this life altering transition that will shape their future as adult men. We also need to provide these boys with positive male role models who will help challenge, support, and guide them along the journey.
Without authentic rites of passage, it is impossible for a man to know in the heart-of-hearts his authentic Self and God-given potential. Without authentic rites of passage, we are leaving many boys wholly unprepared for the challenges and responsibilities they will inevitably experience as adults, often resulting in disastrous outcomes for women, children, and society as a whole.
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If you’re ready to take a leap of faith to become the man you are destined to be, contact me for a free 15-minute phone consultation or request an appointment below.
SOURCES
[1] Livingston, C. (2018). About One-Third of U.S. Children Are Living with An Unmarried Parent. https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2018/04/27/about-one-third-of-u-s-children-are-living-with-an-unmarried-parent/
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