For the last half-century porn has been the subject of a contentious debate. Opponents argue porn destroys marriages and relationships, objectifies both men and women, contributes to human sex trafficking, can lead to addiction or other destructive behaviors, and reduces sexual activity to mere quid pro quo transactions.
Proponents of porn claim erotica can enhance sex lives, provide a form of sex education, create safer recreational outlets for sexual behavior, and perhaps reduce incidents of sexual assault and rape.
Arguing the morality of porn is moot. The fact of the matter is people like to consume pornography, and in the internet age, porn has become an instantly accessible, virtually free commodity granting users unlimited access to sexuality with the safety and security of internet anonymity.
But porn addiction has slowly become a silent epidemic for millions of boys and men. “Porn sickness” [1] a term coined to describe an imbalance in a person pornography use and the impact it has on their daily life function. This imbalance tends to cause problems in their social and romantic relationships, issues with sexual performance and decreased sexual satisfaction, and lower self-esteem.
The points discussed in this post summarizes the personal experiences and challenges men share about their struggles with pornography use and addiction. These conversations also include men’s struggles with childhood trauma, sexuality, and forming healthy, meaningful relationships with others.
Men’s Unspeakable Addiction
Not everyone who uses porn develops an addiction. But for the ones who do, it can have far-reaching impact on their relationships, physical performance, finances, and mental health.
Men express their most difficult challenge is the shame and isolation they experience around porn addiction. With limited resources available to them and lacking safe outlets to express their thoughts and feelings around addiction and sexuality, scads of men are trapped suffering in silence.
The Societal Shaming of Male Sexuality
Men and women have always had both complementary and competitive intersexual dynamics and reproductive goals. It is these biopsychosocial dynamics that propel us to create relational bonds, form families, and drive our impulses to have sex and create offspring with who, what, when, where, and why.
Particularly in the last decade, men have seen, heard, and experienced their gender identity and sexuality demonized by mainstream culture as oppressive, toxic, and dangerous. We hear these cultural messages in our schools, on television, in our friend groups, and online. There are countless stories, YouTube videos, and news stories that vilify normal expressions of male sexuality as rape, sexual harassment, and misogyny [2] [3]. In the eyes of mainstream culture, our sexuality is something men should be both terrified and ashamed of.
On an individual level, men shared how their questions and curiosities about sex and sexuality were often met with shame, guilt, and anger by their parents, siblings, teachers, and friends. They regularly discussed deep feelings of anxiety, rejection, confusion, depression, and shame in response to their sexual interests, desires, and needs as they struggle to navigate their own sexuality and modern dating.
With the lack of safe and healthy sexuality, many men discuss porn being their primary form of sexual education.
The Role of Childhood Trauma, Abuse & Neglect
Through my clinical work treating men for pornography addiction, there has been a recurring and pronounced trend… many of these men have a history of childhood trauma, abuse (sexual, physical, emotional), and neglect.
The impact of childhood trauma runs deep; fundamentally altering our mind, body, and relationships. Without proper treatment and support, a traumatized child can develop a variety of social, behavioral, and mental health problems that extend far into adulthood.
Some of the men I’ve worked with are victims of sexual abuse. Many grew up with absent fathers to teach and guide them as both men and as sexual beings. A large swath of these men had either emotionally neglectful mothers who didn’t pay attention to them or who were emotionally overbearing and controlling. Deep down, these men felt no one in their family loved them, didn’t believe they were important or special, and generally felt detached and estranged from the people closest to them.
Due to recurring childhood abuse and neglect, all of these men experience some degree of shame and guilt around their sexuality.
Pornography offers a safe refuge for these men to feel a sense of love, belonging, security, and connection. Porn helps mitigated the risks, fears, and pain associated with rejection, abandonment, neglect, emasculation, and shame resulting from childhood trauma and the resulting challenges they experience in their romantic and sexual relationships. This has led many men to choose pornography as a short-term band aide to “fix” the hemorrhaging wound resulting from childhood trauma.
Deep down, many men struggling with porn addiction feel sexually frustrated, confused, unfulfilled, and ashamed in their sexual and romantic relationships. This dynamic in turn fuels incentives to continue consuming pornography to fulfill one’s sexual and social needs. And with pornography being essentially free, easily accessible, and anonymous, men are able to fulfill their sexual and social needs with virtually no effort, investment, or risk.
We also have a better understanding how childhood abuse and neglect disrupts secure and healthy attachment. Humans are social animals with an innate desire to bond to others. When we have an insecure attachment style, we’ll often attach to toxic relationships or self-destructive habits (e.g. gambling, substance abuse, and pornography) as means to fulfill needs like security, belonging, and significance.
Pornography addiction is clearly a short-term solution to deeper underlying problems both individually and culturally. How pornography will continue to shape male and female sexuality, romantic relationships, reproductive behaviors, and our culture going forward is yet to be understood.
While pornography will always be a part of our society and culture for better or for worse, you don’t have to be a slave to it forever. Your journey towards recovery starts NOW! All you have to do is make the call and show up.
If you are ready to face your porn addiction, and start creating the life and relationships you desire, then Contact me for a free 15-minute consultation via phone or email and let’s get to work.
WholeHearted Therapy LLC cannot guarantee the confidentiality of any client who posts, likes, or shares content posted by WholeHearted Therapy LLC or its affiliates. While all of the support is appreciated, please do so at your own risk.
Sources
[1] Urban Dictionary. Retrieved from: https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Porn%20Sickness
[2] Badger, E. (2014). Harassing Women on The Street Isn’t Just Offensive. It’s Also Often Illegal. Washington Post. Retrieved from: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2014/10/29/catcalling-women-on-the-street-isnt-just-offensive-its-also-often-illegal/
[3] Gillette (13 January 2019). We Believe: The Best Men Can Be. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koPmuEyP3a0